Maybe when you're counting jellybeans then 4 minus 3 would equal 1. But when my girls are in Maine and I'm in Brooklyn then 4 minus 3 feels like zero.I used to count down the months, weeks, days, and hours until my "summer freedom".
"Summer freedom" being defined as the month in the summer when my wife and kids stay in Maine and I have many days all to myself back in Brooklyn. I would get giddy with the possibilities. Watch t.v. Turn it up loud. Stay up late. Go to movies. Leave kitchen cabinet doors open.
Over the years though, the joy has leached out of the freedom. I began to miss those kids (and my wife) more than I valued my bachelorlyness.
I stopped going into the girls' room because it was depressing not to see them there. Eventually I started to shut the door to their room for the entire month. I didn't even want to see their room if they weren't playing in it. Now I've stopped sleeping in my bed. Instead, I sleep downstairs on the couch. I don't like sleeping in an empty bed (except, of course, if it's in a luxury hotel room).
Yesterday I walked past Marni's school on my way to work. The owners were out front as I approached. We chatted about Marni and how she was missed at school during August. I teared up and ended the conversation.
As I walked down the street I passed many, many Park Slope parents with their kids. I smiled at them. But I was missing my essential Park Slope accessories... Stella and Marni. I felt the need to wear a bumper sticker saying "Hey! I've got kids too!".
Tomorrow I fly back to Maine to rejoin the family for the weekend. Then, zero plus 3 will equal 4.
